Bad Mood Monday: Ode to the Fairy Dust Fart

I actually wrote and then deleted a post that was really negative but not because it was negative so much as it served no purpose outside of being catharctic.

The last few months have been extremely stressful  and trying for me. It looks to me sometimes like I have already died and gone to hell. I never thought I would be eligible for "hell" but I guess I don't know myself very well.

Suffice to say that dying is not all its cracked up to be.  Children of the Seventies-remember all those awful cancer movies? Ali McGraw seemed to be the one who always died. She died loved and lovingly. In one film,  there was a part 2 because that first one wasn't miserable enough for audiences. In part 2, it is revealed that the husband had made Super8 films for the just born daughter they both shared. Ali got to talk all about herself and her dreams for the baby, etc. etc. etc. Everybody loves a cancer (or other terminal illness) patient says Hollywood. Well Hollywood is a lie. The reality is that there are volunteer positions for people to sit with those who are dying alone the world over. Thats the reality. Death Doula is a great profession. Jump on it before Hollywood turns it into something wicked. I would if I lived.

My experience is that its very easy to forget me and judging by the lonely, hurt souls in support groups, this is not just me.  I have very few friends and those that I do have I thought I chose for the quality of our relationships but alas, like so much else in my life, I was wrong.  Life happens and they get busy or they get upset that I am not improving enough to come and play all night long. And thats not even taking into account what cancer really does to peoples lives outside of playtime. Sorry, can't have a drink. No, I don't feel supported. I just don't. Yes, I am a such a drag. 

I have people expecting me to give blanket apologies for things that I have not done rather than sit and talk about the things that I should rectify. I have dug in my heals on that. Likewise, I have people who want me to "forgive" them but only becuase if I don't I will end up in the aforementioned "hell". This is their belief system of course. Their guilt. Its like a deathbed apology is awaiting the princes and princesses of my life. Fuck off, all of you.

The other day, I was contemplating going to see my family when one of them decided to send me a video in which a womans near hysterical voice was speaking about how "near death " experience is a demon ploy to steal your soul and eat your babies no doubt. These demons create illusions of angelic beings and those you find comforting in your history in order to egg you on. You being a fool, fall for that trap every time!  Then they send you back with the notion that by God, you have a special mission to accomplish! Terrible!

I know that sounds like a joke. It is a joke to me. I am sorry that anybody would live in such fear of life that they would put together such blabbering foolery in the first place, but after some thought I believe that if a person is so messed up as to believe this, then you know what? It is well deserved.

Mind you, this was sent from a family member who knows that I am dying. My answer was that people have been dying since the dawn of time and doing it right so yeah, fuck off. And he got made at me? lol.  Again, Death Doula is a great thing people. Jump on it!

Dying for me has been so chaotic that I am unsure what I am supposed to do to prepare to die. I have tried to talk to the children and they ignore me or turn my life into a series of lies and failures.  I have tried to talk to family and they just want fairy dust farts. My husband is not well. But I bet he wants fairy dust farts too.

So what I will do is Death Doula myself. I knew that there was a reason that I accidentally ordered the textbook to the courses!

Please keep in mind that I am lining up second and third opinions, hope is not lost but I am nearing the end of the line on clinical treatment and that is never a good thing. At this time, I am not in treatmend and it feels awful.
I am trying to be proactive.  I am trying to get clear of the people who don't care for me. I think that this cancer has been a curse of some sort. I am an empath and all that hatred is held in my liver along with the cancer. Its not my hatred. Its not even pure hatred. Its the fear others feel when they see me try to live against all odds.

Logic says that is what they really want-for me to live on my own terms,   but that is not what anybody ever wanted. They all wanted to control me, so much so that my dying is on their terms and nobody elses. I was discussing something like this with somebody and it turned out that this was the fact. I asked, "Oh, so all of this has been about you?" Well no wonder then.

 I can only think of one exception in real life and that has been my son though not always in healthy ways.